Have you ever bitten into a chip or a piece of bread that had accidentally been placed into a bit of water? If you haven’t, you’ve been missing out on a disgusting, soppy, soggy experience enough to make anyone’s stomach churn. The flavorless, absorbent substance that was once a delicious gluten-packed snack suddenly becomes the very object you were trying to avoid.
This, my friends, is exactly how Amanda B. enjoys eating any and all chips.
Back Story
In my experience, Amanda enjoys a wide variety of chips. However, she tends to gravitate towards Salt and Vinegar, Sour Cream and Onion, or Jacked Doritos. Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem with any of these chips. The chip to seasoning ratio is generally decent and even though the smell of salt and vinegar revolts me, I have no problem with other people eating and enjoying them. However, Amanda does something to her chips before she eats them that should honestly should be stuck right in between polyester and bowl haircuts on the What-Not-To-Do-To-Get-Into-Heaven List (yes, those are actual sins in the Bible. “Ye shall not round the corners of your heads”).
Amanda licks both sides of the chip before eating it. She argues that it’s to taste all of the flavor first because it’s the best part. However, what’s left behind is a wet, flavorless chip that is a disgrace to the wonderful food group that is potato.
Potato Patata
You can make anything with a potato. French fries, curly fries, waffle fries, tater tots, hash browns, baked potato, mashed potato, scalloped potato, chips, anything and everything. You could even live off potatoes! But you wouldn’t have french fries without dipping sauce, baked potato without butter, or mashed potato without gravy, would you? You can, but the extra dash of razzle dazzle makes the eating experience more delightful for everyone involved in the experience.
Furthermore, licking the flavor off of a chip not only leaves a soggy, sad remnant of what used to be behind, but it also removes the wow factor that makes eating a potato product so magical. Even if this wasn’t so disgusting, it just isn’t what it used to be. You’re left with a brand new flavor – saliva! There’s nothing more pleasing than biting into a nice soft chip tasting like the inside of your own mouth, right?
Honestly, just thinking about it gives me the chills.
The End
So, in conclusion, licking the flavoring off of the chips before consumption is not only absolutely revolting, but it leaves behind a sad excuse for a potato product. Eating the soggy by-product is primarily the same as having a food the same flavor of your saliva with the consistency of mushy, soggy bread. Who could ever enjoy that and be sane?
Better luck next time, Amanda. You’re wrong.
101 Reasons Why Amanda B. is Wrong 
Amanda here. I would just like to clear up a few things. First, I do NOT eat chips with water, as this post insinuates. Second off, I only like the salt off of pringle chips. Any other kind of chip is lumpy and is just weird feeling. Third off, it doesn’t leave the chip as soggy as people think it does, infact, it doesn’t leave it soggy at all. Just trying to defend myself as best as I can, otherwise, good post Margaret. Until next time….
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FINALLY! Someone has brought this important issue to the front and center, where it belongs. Though I do understand the idea and reasoning behind it, i will not justify the right to lick a chip, pre consumption. You point out that you’ll be left with a flavorless & bland piece of cardboard. But it would also be helpful to point out that its pretty gosh darn NASTY to watch too. Just gotta say it, sorry Amanda, love you.
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I think that your introduction captures the disgusting reality of this habit perfectly. Although I understand that it is not the same as dipping the chip or a piece of bread in water directly, sucking on a chip to get all the flavoring off leaves behind a very similar result. It also seems that your Amanda-hating is catching on, as evidenced by what I read over on Andy’s Blog. I was reading the second to last heading as “Potato Pasta” and was thoroughly confused, but I now understand that it was not the actual heading. This was very amusing. Keep up the good work.
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I find this post hilarious! As Amanda’s friend, I see her constantly do this and I don’t mind it anymore but at first, I found it extremely weird. Your word choice in this post made it so much better and kept me really intrigued.
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