101 Reasons Why Amanda B. is Wrong

An Argument as Old as Time

Animals.

Ever since the dawn of time, human relations with animals has been extremely limited and cautious, for our survival and theirs. However, taking a select kind of wild beasts and turning them into our very best friends has become a hobby of ours. More often than not, most people would agree that dogs are the best pet to have. They’re fluffy, keep you company, and are known as “a man’s best friend,” right? That’s how Amanda B. feels, anyway. And quite honestly, that’s how I feel too. But nonetheless, I have one job and one job only; proving her wrong on every possible opinion that I can. So Amanda, you’re wrong. Cats are the very best pet to have.

The Pros of Having a Dog

Before I completely rip Amanda apart, let’s give her the benefit of the doubt for a moment and explore how having a dog could possibly be a good idea. Dogs love unconditionally. No matter who you are, where you’re from, and what generation of iPhone you have, your dog will love you nonetheless and want to be by your side 24/7. Having a dog nearby can reduce stress and bring a general sense of well being. Dogs can also improve your physical health! Most dogs require walks throughout the day to keep them in tip-top shape and in some cases, calm enough to pet. Taking your dog on frequent walks is good for your physical and mental health. Undoubtedly, dogs pose a ton of benefits to you besides just being adorable.

The Cons of Having a Dog

Especially in the area where Amanda B. and I live, dogs can get themselves into some very nasty objects. To get gross immediately, Amanda herself has told me a story about her dog coming home, head and neck completely covered in the guts of a dead deer. Even if that’s not enough, one time I had to drag my dog away from a dead, frozen deer in the middle of the forest! No matter how domesticated they are, dogs will always go after the disgusting, dead items and completely forget their sense of decency. Even if you live in an area of the world where your dog will not feast on a dead carcass, there are numerous downfalls to having a dog. For starters, if you ever go away on vacation you either have to go somewhere your dog can come too, put them in a kennel, or hire a dog sitter. Dogs cannot be trusted to stay home alone. They need extensive exercise, would eat any food you left out for them, and would likely chew every available shoe and piece of furniture in sight. This adds more worry onto you and your pocket book. Even if this isn’t enough to convince you, how many times have you turned your back for 30 seconds and when you look back, your dog has snatched whatever you were eating off of the table? Food is a natural motivator for dogs and they’ll go for it whatever chance they get, no matter how much you think they love you.

The Answer?

Cats. Unlike dogs, cats will not go after disgusting, dead animals, require a pet sitter, demand constant attention and walks, or steal your food! Cats are very refined creatures who eat specific foods at specific times, enjoy lounging around just as much as you do, and can be left alone for weeks on end; all you need is an automatic feeder! Not only do cats have ZERO of the same problems as dogs, they also have just as many benefits. Cats can help you have a healthier heart. Petting a cat and having one near you reduces stress and anxiety. They also require less care, allowing you to have a cuddle buddy anytime you want without having to worry about giving them constant attention. Not only that, but it is less taxing on your bank account and the environment! It’s estimated that the amount of food and energy required to produce the food dogs consume throughout their lives produces the same carbon as a Land Cruiser. This only encourages global warming and causes you to go to the store more often (because they eat everything!). Cats, on the other hand, eat much less and have less expensive foods. It’s a no brainier!

In The End

All in all, even though dogs have some benefits, cats have just as many (if not more). Dogs are expensive, require lots of attention, can get into nasty substances, and will eat literally anything they see. Cats, on the other hand, require little attention and will still be there to help you cope, sleep, and just feel calm in general. Having a cat will be better for your mind, free time, and money. Sorry, Amanda. Better luck next time.

Learning to Walk

When we are babies, there are so many milestones that parents huddle around with cameras for, waiting anxiously for them to occur. Whether it’s our first words or when we open our eyes for the very first time, parents and strangers alike find great joy in the achievements of babies. However, none can be quite as important as a baby’s first steps. Finally, after months of crawling around on the dirty floor, they learn to support themselves and walk, setting them into motion for accomplishments and successes in the future.

However, throughout the last several months it has become apparent that Amanda B. never properly learned how to walk on her own. In the course of six months, Amanda sprained her ankle not once, not twice but FIVE times! I honestly cannot even fathom how that is possible.

Illegally taking photos in a public restroom

The Timeline

Staring during volleyball season, Amanda landed on her ankle the wrong way while playing at a tournament. Just like that, she was knocked out of volleyball for two months. Throughout physical therapy, she looked forward to being able to finish out the season after being taught by professionals how to walk properly.

It wasn’t meant to be, though.

On her last day of therapy, during the session, she sprained her ankle. This re-sprain that happened while under watch of trained professionals knocked her out of the remainder of volleyball season. Don’t worry though, there was still her favorite sport: basketball.

Amanda was cleared to play right before basketball season got started. She played for the first couple of months, but just as quickly as it all began, it was over. She stepped on another girl’s foot and bam, another sprain. Amanda was placed off of the court for another month but was able to step back onto the court before the end of the season!

Nope!

Within a week of reentering the sport, she sprained it again! Wow, who would’ve guessed it. Instead of returning back to the professionals who let her down already, she decided to wait it out and let the beaten and battered ankle heal on its own. With no sports left for the year (thanks, corona!), I think it’s safe to say that as long as she can stay on her own two feet (and not Kayla’s), the sprains are over.

Girls Basketball winning Regional Champs wasn’t the only three-peat this year

The Aftermath

To aid Amanda with her walking in the future, she now owns a boot, crutches, stabilizers, two pairs of compression socks, two ankle braces, and ankle wrapping. Regardless, something tells me she’ll somehow manage to slip up again.

In the End

Seeing that I’m exploiting your pain and suffering for my grade, I won’t completely drag you right now, Amanda. Sure, am I confused about how you weren’t properly taught how to walk or that your therapists literally watched you sprain your ankle? Yes! But neither of those are your fault. I’ll take it up with your mother the next time I see her.

Better luck next season, Amanda.

Nuts

In our quest to live healthy lifestyles, many people struggle to find healthy snacks packed with protein. One food they can search out to resolve this age-old issue is the peanut. Today, peanuts are available all over the place. Made in flavors such as dry roasted, honey roasted, and classics, there’s a nut that can appeal to everyone. However, nothing quite beats walking through the grocery store, seeing the tub of shelled peanuts, and quickly grabbing one or two to snack on when your mom isn’t looking. Cracking open that nut and savoring it sneakily is wonderful. However, Amanda B. doesn’t quite agree. Sure, she likes peanuts. But here’s the issue:

She eats them with the shell.

No, I don’t mean the little brown covering that might be attached sometimes. I mean the Mr. Peanut peanuts that you have to crack open and then eat. She tosses it whole in her mouth, shell and all. Honestly, I’m not sure how she eats it. I don’t know if she crunches it up in her teeth or lets it sit on her tongue until it’s soft enough to chew. Either way, it’s disgusting.

The Real Risk of Being Gross

Although I have common sense and decency issues with this habit, there are legitimate health concerns Amanda should consider the next time she tosses one into her mouth. Most obviously, peanut shells are not soft. They are often difficult for the human stomach to digest, you know, since humans aren’t supposed to eat them. This could lead to the revolting snack piling up in your organs, causing blockages and gas. Not only this, when growing, peanuts are extremely likely to develop fungal disease. To avoid this, farmers coat the beloved little beans in all kinds of pesticides to fight off infection (they expect people to discard the shell so they don’t worry about the pesticides harming people). Eating these excess pesticides could cause health defects from irritation to being absorbed directly into the body, wrecking more havoc along the way.

So Salty

Despite these negative effects, Amanda says she loves the extra saltiness. However, having even a one ounce serving of in-shell peanuts (without the shell like a normal person) totals to 170 mg of sodium. That’s 7% of our daily diet! Clearly, peanuts themselves are already home to plenty of saltiness to go around. Seeking more through the pesticide-ridden shells cannot be justified.

In the End

Overall, eating peanut shells can lead to health issues such as intestinal blockages and pesticide consumption. Is it worth it for what little nutrients may lie within the shell, though?

No. Absolutely not.

Eating peanuts with the shell has never been and will never be okay. So, sorry Amanda. Better luck next time.

My Heart Will Not Go On

In 1997, the now-classic movie Titanic made a splash in the multimedia world. Today, almost everyone has seen the movie and holds it in high esteem (if not high esteem, they hold it at least okay esteem). However, there are some people who see this award-winning movie as inadequate or even…

Bad.

Amanda’s (Wrong) Opinion

One of these uncultured people is Amanda B. That’s right. Not only does she think licking flavoring off chips and eating toast with ketchup is okay, but she thinks the Titanic is bad. Is she blind? Did she not see the raw emotion of everyone on the ship as panic set in? Did she miss the genuine connection between Rose and Jack? Did she close her eyes as the wind blew majestically through young Leonardo DiCaprio’s golden locks? Pathetic.

Fast Facts

When Titanic was first released, it initially made $1.24 billion dollars, the first movie in history to ever surpass a billion dollars. It remained the highest grossing film of all time until 2010 when Avatar pushed the movie into its watery grave. Now, Titanic has made $1.2 trillion dollars and is the fifth highest grossing film in the world. With that kind of money, you could buy 6,000 Lamborghinis. I know that probably doesn’t sound like a lot for $1.2 trillion, but trust me. Lamborghinis are really freaking cool. From this information, it is easy to claim that Titanic is a well-known and well-liked movie. Let’s take a look at some more evidence to support this claim – critic reviews.

Critic’s Choice

Here are some of the most impressed reviews:

“Titanic is thrilling in ways that no other movie in 1997 dared to be.”
Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

“It is flawlessly crafted, intelligently constructed, strongly acted and spellbinding.”
Roger Ebert

“Titanic is one big, bruising movie that will appeal on different levels to different audiences.”
Duane Byrge, Hollywood Reporter

“Cameron has devised a tender love story between Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio that serves as the main focus of Titanic’s storyline, and it works beautifully.”
Paul Tatara, CNN

But Wait, There’s More.

Even if this isn’t enough to convince you of the wonderfulness and world-appraisal of Titanic, there is one more place you can look. From the Academy Awards to the Japan Academy, Titanic has one at least 51 awards for script, acting, production, costume design, and basically anything else you can think of. The movie even won a Kids’ Choice Award! So, it is pretty clear that Titanic appeals to everyone, regardless of location or age.

Amanda’s Unsound Fear

After speaking with Amanda, I got to the bottom of what she doesn’t like about the Titanic: it’s sad. She doesn’t like the movie because it’s sad. Honestly, I think that is complete bullshit. By watching a sad movie, your endorphin levels increase and your ability to bond socially improves (if you don’t believe me, go check Medical Daily). Even though you might be sad at the time of a dramatic event, like when Jack slips away into the icy waters for the last time, at the end of the movie you will feel closer to those around you and be better off. Sounds like a win-win to me! You get to watch Leonardo DiCaprio sashay around a big boat and feel happier at the end of the day? How could you go wrong?

The End

So, all in all, Titanic is a classic movie that is loved by everyone, all over the world. With over 50 awards to its name, record breaking sales, and endorphins all around, there’s no way you can go wrong by sitting down to enjoy a good showing. Titanic is one of those movies that will be loved forever.

Sorry, Amanda. Better luck next time.

Moist and “Delicious”

Have you ever bitten into a chip or a piece of bread that had accidentally been placed into a bit of water? If you haven’t, you’ve been missing out on a disgusting, soppy, soggy experience enough to make anyone’s stomach churn. The flavorless, absorbent substance that was once a delicious gluten-packed snack suddenly becomes the very object you were trying to avoid.

This, my friends, is exactly how Amanda B. enjoys eating any and all chips.

Back Story

In my experience, Amanda enjoys a wide variety of chips. However, she tends to gravitate towards Salt and Vinegar, Sour Cream and Onion, or Jacked Doritos. Normally, I wouldn’t have a problem with any of these chips. The chip to seasoning ratio is generally decent and even though the smell of salt and vinegar revolts me, I have no problem with other people eating and enjoying them. However, Amanda does something to her chips before she eats them that should honestly should be stuck right in between polyester and bowl haircuts on the What-Not-To-Do-To-Get-Into-Heaven List (yes, those are actual sins in the Bible. “Ye shall not round the corners of your heads”).

Amanda licks both sides of the chip before eating it. She argues that it’s to taste all of the flavor first because it’s the best part. However, what’s left behind is a wet, flavorless chip that is a disgrace to the wonderful food group that is potato.

Potato Patata

You can make anything with a potato. French fries, curly fries, waffle fries, tater tots, hash browns, baked potato, mashed potato, scalloped potato, chips, anything and everything. You could even live off potatoes! But you wouldn’t have french fries without dipping sauce, baked potato without butter, or mashed potato without gravy, would you? You can, but the extra dash of razzle dazzle makes the eating experience more delightful for everyone involved in the experience.

Furthermore, licking the flavor off of a chip not only leaves a soggy, sad remnant of what used to be behind, but it also removes the wow factor that makes eating a potato product so magical. Even if this wasn’t so disgusting, it just isn’t what it used to be. You’re left with a brand new flavor – saliva! There’s nothing more pleasing than biting into a nice soft chip tasting like the inside of your own mouth, right?

Honestly, just thinking about it gives me the chills.

The End

So, in conclusion, licking the flavoring off of the chips before consumption is not only absolutely revolting, but it leaves behind a sad excuse for a potato product. Eating the soggy by-product is primarily the same as having a food the same flavor of your saliva with the consistency of mushy, soggy bread. Who could ever enjoy that and be sane?

Better luck next time, Amanda. You’re wrong.

Ketchup “Toast”

For my last blog post of 2019, I thought I would end the year with a bang.

A disgusting bang, but a bang nonetheless.

For most people, sitting down with the family for a nice Sunday breakfast would include bacon, eggs, orange juice, and of course, toast. And, just like everyone else, Amanda enjoys lathering her toast with a tasty condiment to enhance the flavor. Peanut butter, grape jelly, honey, or some kind of jam, right? I could even get behind marmite if it came down to it.

But no. Amanda covers her toast in the sauce meant for french fries, burgers, and basically any other American food staple.

That’s right. Ketchup.

Ketchup: An Art

Now, don’t get me wrong. I am one of the biggest fans of ketchup you could find. I would even go as far as to call myself a ketchup connoisseur. If a restaurant fills Heinz ketchup containers with off-brand nonsense, I can tell and I will be revolted. I understand that especially in America, ketchup is a condiment that is to be held above all others and can be enjoyed on a wide variety of products.

However, ketchup does not belong on toast. Now, I get it. The argument can be made that ketchup toast is basically just grilled cheese, but without the cheese. That’s what Amanda said to me, anyway (ha. haha.). But there’s the issue itself! It’s missing half the title of “grilled cheese” – cheese is the most important ingredient! Without it, the grilled bread becomes TOAST and ketchup does not belong on toast. This isn’t the only issue, though.

Amanda’s View on Toast

According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, toast is “sliced bread that has been made brown by being put near a high heat.” This may not seem important right now, because DUH, if it wasn’t like that, it would just be bread. Just you wait.

For a majority of people, toast is bread that has been cooked to the point of browning. If you look at the chart above, I like my toast at a nice 6.5. Not too light, not too dark, right?

Amanda, on the other hand, likes her “toast” at a nice 1. If even. How can you call that toast? It has no color, no firmness. It’s like calling the Axis Power the good guys! They are two completely different items, two completely different foods. Amanda believes that toast is warm bread, really.

Putting it to the Test

I understand that I just can’t sit here and make blatant judgements if I’ve never tried it. I would lose all credibility and just look silly. So what did I do?

Made ketchup “toast” with Amanda, exactly the way she likes it.

As you can see in the video, I was completely disgusted. There was nothing I liked about it. The limp, disappointing bread that was pretending to be toast. The once incredible ketchup completely dishonored by being placed on the warm, butter soaked bread.

Andy, on the other hand, wasn’t quite as disgusted as me. He liked the ketchup taste, but not the bread. As you could see though, at the end of the clip, he shook his head and said “it’s bad.” That’s right, Amanda. It’s. Bad.

In Remembrance

Now, I would like to take a brief moment of silence for my taste buds, the bread and ketchup that was wasted in this experiment, and Amanda’s shattered hopes and dreams. Ketchup toast was disastrous. Better luck next time.

Butt Stuff

There is a time in all of our lives when we will have to go to the doctor, make polite small talk, and then get a camera shoved into the south end of our bodies for 30 minutes while the inner workings of our poop chute get examined. This is known as a colonoscopy and for most people, this procedure will have to be performed every ten years or so once they hit the ripe old age of 50. It is reasonable to expect that by the time teenagers enter high school, they would have a general idea about what a colonoscopy is, right? For one high school senior, though, this wasn’t true. At all.

At the age of 18, Amanda B. believed that during a colonoscopy, the doctors put a camera down your throat. That’s right. Despite the fact that the word colon is explicitly in the name, she thought the camera was shoved INTO YOUR GULLET to take a little peak at the inside of the pharynx and maybe your stomach if they feel like it. Honestly, I don’t even know where to start with this one.

A Little Look Inside…

According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, a colonoscopy is “a medical examination of the colon (= the lower part of the tube that take solid waste out of your body).” To further dive into the unfortunate medical procedure that is a colonoscopy, the procedure begins when the doctor a long, tubular instrument into the rectum of the patient that captures and transmits imagery of the inside of the colon. As the doctor goes deeper, the colonoscope (this is the tube described before and, once again, it as the word COLON in it) reaches into the large intestine. The goal of this procedure is to check for any abnormalities, make sure there is no cancer developing, and sometimes, it’s even to figure out why someone is having explosive diarrhea.

Image result for michael scott colonoscopy oscar gif

Furthermore, a colonoscopy is further away from putting a little camera down your throat than we are from the Andromeda Galaxy (that’s 2,537,000 light years away, guys. If it hypothetically takes a modern space shuttle 37,200 Earth years to travel a single light year, that means it would take 943,764,000,000 years to get to that galaxy. C’mon, Amanda).

33 Feet Under

Now, let’s just say that hypothetically, Amanda was on the right track and there were procedures where they put a camera down your throat to take a look at your colon. All of the intestines, organs, and ickiness that the camera would have to travel through to get from your mouth to your tush totals up to 33 feet. So that would mean a lot of staff would have to be on hand to hold a 35 foot long tube off of the ground to slowly, carefully stick it in you. Let’s say they put one person every three feet of tubing or so to keep it off of the hospital floor. Rounding up, that’s twelve people. Likely, these people would be nursing aids, the lowest paid staff member in the hospital, making $15 an hour. Excluding the doctor who needs to be there, that means it would cost an extra $100 dollars and a hell of a lot more tubing to perform Amanda’s vision of a colonoscopy. Do you know how many chicken nuggets you could buy with that money? 445 chicken nuggets. Is it worth it?

Conclusion

Amanda B.’s vision that a colonoscopy is performed by putting a camera down the patients throat is largely, incredibly incorrect. Not only is the camera inserted into your butt, the complete opposite end of the body, if it were to be inserted at the mouth, it would take 33 feet of tubing and cost 445 chicken nuggets. Sorry, Amanda. You’re wrong. Better luck next time.

Back to Home

Donut Balls

Amanda B. has an incredible number of ridiculous opinions, but there is one that is superior to all others.
What’s the round dough object called that comes out of the center of a donut? A donut hole, right?

WRONG, according to Amanda. You see, this girl is under the false pretence that they are, in fact, called donut balls, not donut holes. I have trouble even fathoming how wildly incorrect this is. With my own personal beliefs aside (which are obviously that they are called donut holes), there are three convincing arguments as to why donut “balls” are made up and, dare I say, revolting.

Google Results

When you go to google.com and type in donut balls, seven different recipe links will pop up on the first page, which is clearly the only one anyone cares about. Out of these seven recipes, six of them refer to them as donut holes in the title, even though the Google search specified donut balls. If the term donut ball was legitimate, why would Google, the most used and trusted search engine, spit out results for donut holes instead of balls?

To further analyze this, one must look to the algorithm Google uses to determine what information should be shown to users. The company itself does not disclose what aspects are taken into consideration when deciding what sites and links should be displayed before others to ensure equality of opportunity. However, search engine optimization (SEO) consultants have determined that the algorithm analyzes over 200 contributing factors to guarantee the relevancy and usefulness of a website. These factors include quality of information and links on the site, amount of time spent by users on the site, and keyword usage. Through the algorithm and factors present on the site, Google is able to provide users with the quickest, most reliable information available at that time.

Therefore, even under the search term “donut balls,” Google felt that the most reliable and useful information available was in regards to donut holes, not donut balls. From there, it is almost too easy to draw the conclusion that yes, donut holes is the most trustworthy title for the delicious food.

However, not everything you read on the Internet can be trusted, of course. So, let’s go to the people.

101 High Schoolers

On a survey sent out to 101 random high school students between the ages of 14 and 18, it was found that 77.6% of students believed that the proper term for the spherical dough is donut hole, while a mere 22.4% agrees with the well meaning, but mislead, Amanda. When responding to the survey, students were also asked to describe their thought process behind their answer. One response I found particularly convincing stated that “if you were to cut out the inside of a donut, that’s what it would be called. It just makes sense.” Another respondent said that “it is the hole missing from inside of the donut, therefore; it is a donut hole rather than a donut ball.” On the other side of the argument, the donut ballers argued their take by saying “they are F#$#ing balls.” Whereas the people who believe it is called a donut hole responded with calm, logical reasoning, the ballers best argument consistently had not basis or factual evidence to concrete their points. Once again, the donut hole comes out on top.

The Baking Bitch

Now, finally, I turned to a trained professional to get the official bakery opinion on donut holes vs. donut balls. My colleague Bethany A. worked in a supermarket bakery for several months, specializing in frying donuts. In addition to this, she is attending schooling in the hopes of being a baker throughout her life. When I sat down with Bethany, her opinion was final and obvious. “I call it a donut hole. The bakery calls them and sells them as donut holes.” She further stated that every bakery she was aware of sold the products as holes, not balls. There was no backing for donut balls and unfortunately for Amanda, the hope was dead.

Conclusion

After looking at Google, a random survey, and sitting down with a trained professional, it is clear that the public’s opinion and professional consensus completely obliterates the donut hole vs. donut ball discussion and deems holes the winner. Sorry to anyone out there who thinks otherwise. Better luck next time.